Breakdown (Crash into Me) Read online

  To my slight shock, his bedroom wasn’t nearly as messy as the rest of his place. In fact, a perfectly made bed was against the wall below a print of a convertible. I made a combination of a giggle and snorting noise at the sight of it and tried to brush the hair from my eyes.

  “Obviously you entertain more in here than the rest of your place.”

  While it wasn’t intended to be unpleasant, he pulled away from me and went to sit on the bed.

  “Is that what you think?” He bounced where he sat, the grin never leaving his face. “That I entertain a lot?”

  “Well…” I looked him up and down. “Don’t you?”

  William shook his head, lasting only a second before he laughed again. “Okay,” he admitted. “So maybe more than average…”

  I rolled my eyes, picking up another family photo before placing it facedown. Whatever we were about to do, I didn’t want the faces of William’s family to bear witness to it. “That’s what I thought.”

  “I haven’t been with anyone since I met you.”

  He said it seriously enough, but the memory of the pretty girl he was chatting it up with a week into meeting him pushed its way into my memory.

  “How could I?” he said, as if reading my mind. “You’ve haunted me from the moment I saw you.”

  The intensity of his words made my throat feel dry, but the idea of leaving him to do something as mediocre as hydrate myself seemed as ridiculous as he claimed me not to be.

  “I know exactly what you mean.”

  Still standing, I kissed him, the change in position even better than I expected. Then, when his hands—expert in everything it seemed—snuck their way slowly around to my backside, I gasped inside of his mouth, feeling his swollen lips smile against mine. Not particularly experienced in kissing, I considered for an instant opening my eyes to look at him, but opted instead to feel the features I wanted to see. I let go of the hair I had tangled in my hands and worked them into the intense muscles of his shoulders, easily unbuttoning his navy blue dress shirt while he took off the jacket he had leant me. I breathed him in and kissed harder.

  But a switch was flipped when William moved to lift me up and lay me on the bed, something broke inside of me. It was difficult to explain how I felt just then. I had liked being in control, calling the shots. Yet the kisses on my neck and the gentle nuzzling of his nose were equally as wonderful. So why was my chest so tight? I knew William would never hurt me, trusted him like he trusted me, yet when he leaned over me panic emerged from a place within—a place I had been trying to forget for almost two years.

  Instantly, my mouth went to form the word “no” but couldn’t, my mind telling me to reject the lust I felt while my heart wanted that and so much more.

  “A-are you still with me, Jumper?”

  I shook my head violently, letting the tears spring up when they pricked my eyes. “No,” I whispered fiercely. “No, I’m not.”

  He was off me in an instant, his rough hands near me as if expecting a fall of some kind. It came then too, just as he predicted, and I curled up against myself, pulling my knees up to my chest as if I could disappear inside of myself.

  Cautious, and clearly startled by this behavior, William reached out for me slowly, letting his hand only touch the crook of my elbow.

  “It’s okay, Jumper, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to.”

  Immediately after he uttered the words, I lived up to my nickname, changing my position to jump up and burrow myself in his arms. Still cautious, he accepted me there, cradling me to his chest as if I were an infant. I felt just as powerless as I suspected he did, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying, from letting out what seemed like months’ worth of tears.

  Waiting patiently, William held me close and remained silent until I had cried out what felt like every last bit of me and hiccupped for a solid five minutes. Eventually, he opened his mouth to speak, closing it again before speaking.

  “I’d apologize,” he whispered in my ear. “But I’m afraid for my car.”

  Laughing brought on the hiccups again, though this time they did not last long. I pulled my face away, wiping my tears with embarrassment. When my eyesight refocused it was made painfully clear to me the mess I’d left behind. My tears and eye makeup had seeped into the fabric of his shirt and parts of his bare chest. I grimaced and looked at my hand. Sure enough, my hand was covered with the fine black lines that had once been around my eyes.

  “No.” I shut my eyes tight and turned away. Though why I tried to maintain any semblance of dignity went against all my remaining logic. “I’m the one who’s sorry. Your shirt—” I hiccupped and drew a deep breath. At that moment though his laugher wasn’t as comforting as it usually was. “I thought I was ready for this,” I said after I exhaled. “Parts of me are ready for this, I just… I don’t know.”

  “What is it you don’t know?” He reached for me, for the hair that had come undone in our struggle, but I flinched away, and I couldn’t stand to see the look of hurt I knew I’d see there. “D-did I do something?”

  “No!” Ridiculous looking or not, I turned back to him, startled and even more alarmed at the look on his face than he clearly was at mine. His sadness called for me to redeem myself, and I rushed to do just that. “I-It’s just the last time I—it wasn’t under the most pleasant of circumstances.”

  Without asking me to, I told him everything. I told him about how the only boy I ever liked tried to get me to sleep with him a week into dating, how he was telling all of his friends he already had, bragging about it on every social media site he had. I told William about how I spent the last weeks of high school avoiding stares and whispers from my classmates and how oblivious I was about my damaged reputation. I even started telling him about the night my virginity was taken, about how I didn’t know my drink had been spiked…

  As it was, however, I choked out, started crying again, and had to stop. I couldn’t remember much from that night, but what I could remember was pain. I managed to tell William that before his angry glare also cut me off.

  “He forced you?”

  “No. Yes? Not exactly,” I admitted. “I don’t know.”

  He stared away from me, hard and intense.

  “Where is he now?”

  I thought the question was a little strange, but was so overwhelmed by the sound of how edgy his voice was that I didn’t think to question it.

  “Texas A&M—I think, anyway,” I added. “He broke up with me a week later and we haven’t exactly kept in touch—”

  “No. Don’t tell me anymore.” William gripped the ends of his bedpost until his fists were white. “I shouldn’t have even asked.”

  “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown all my problems at you.”

  William scoffed. “It isn’t that. It’s not that at all, Jumper. I’m just afraid that if I know any more about this asshole it’ll make him that much easier to find. I’m not exactly a violent person, but—”

  This time, it was my turn to cut him off. “You don’t trust yourself?”

  He smiled. “Exactly.”

  Returning to our normal awkwardness, I slipped myself back inside his jacket. It seemed silly considering William had seen me straight down to the bone and back, but I still felt comfortable concealed.

  “You know that kind of situation isn’t your fault, right? That any man who has to force a woman is no man at all?”

  I scoffed and picked up one of the bobby pins that had fallen out of my hair. “Is that something your sisters instilled in you?”

  He answered without hesitation. “Anybody with half a brain knows that, Jumper. He should have known that too. That’s why it’s not your fault.”

  The sentiment behind the fact made me sniffle even as fresh tears pricked my eyes. I bit my lip to make it stop and tasted William there instantly.

  “For the record though, Cora was a feminist for a while. Bridget was too…”

  The mention of his lost sister ma
de me forget my own self-loathing long enough to think about the other issue that weighed my mind. Just from the way William trailed off about his sister was enough to assure me something unfortunate had probably happened to her. But what if a simple attempt to indulge my curiosity offended him in some way an only child couldn’t understand? I unclasped another bobby pin and set it in my collection on the nightstand next to us. When I did, however, William reached up and twirled the new found loose curl around his finger. That simple display of affection was enough to tell me William would still care for me, no matter what I asked.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about her?” I kept my voice cautious after I swallowed my dry throat. “About the way she—”

  His sigh cut me off. “I wish Tabby would mind her own business for once.”

  “Don’t be mad at her. I kind of forced the information out of her.”

  William rolled his eyes, the beginning of a smile just beginning to show through the sadness. “I’m so sure.”

  I smiled back. “Seriously, why didn’t you tell me about her?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged and released the curl from his hand. I took the opportunity to release the remainder of my hair from the tight band. “It’s not something I like to talk about.”

  That comment made me smile. “After all the lectures you gave me about talking?”

  “I know. I guess I’m a hypocrite, huh?”

  “No.” I shook my head to emphasize my point and free my hair from his hold. “I of all people know it’s hard to talk about some things.”

  Deep in thought, William waited for a moment before speaking again. When he did, his stare was far off, his voice nostalgic while his mind shifted through memories.

  “She would have liked you,” he said. “You would have liked her.”

  I shifted in an effort to get more comfortable. “I’ll bet. We have similar tastes in self-destruction methods.”

  The instant the words left my mouth I regretted them. Why would I say something so insensitive when I had been suicidal just a couple of weeks ago?

  “Sorry,” I said hurriedly. “I shouldn’t have—”

  “No, Jumper, that’s what I like about you. Even when you’re down, you’re not out.” His smile told me he meant every word, and once again I felt overwhelmed. Accompanied by tiredness from the day, I wasn’t sure I could keep staring at him even though I wanted to do little else.

  “Thanks.”

  “Do you wanna spend the night? You can have the couch if you want.”

  Just like I disliked the idea of returning to an empty house, I hated with a passion the idea that William would be away from me. Even though he was offering me the room right next to his, it still felt too far away. Painful but amazing, I wanted everything about this night to last forever, but since it couldn’t, I knew keeping him in eyesight was the next best thing.

  “Could I…” I glanced in the direction of the couch. William was an honorable guy, but guys also had needs. Would he think I was trying to be a tease? “—would it be okay if I stayed here, with you?”

  “Course.” His smile turned into a full grin. “I should warn you though, I’m a bit of a drooler.”

  I cross my legs and stared at my bare feet. “Thanks for the disclaimer, but I’m sure I won’t be offended.”

  He laughed at me as he stood up and went to his dresser. I would have done the same if I hadn’t been so overwhelmed by the sight of him taking off his shirt. He tossed it in the corner and opened the second drawer. As if sensing I was staring at him, he turned around and studied me curiously.

  “Do you want to get cleaned up or anything?” He pointed in the direction of the bathroom, causing the most wonderful movement in his bicep. “I could give you something to wear.”

  I only considered it for a second before responding. “Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “That would be great.”

  He handed me a folded white t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Though I blushed, I accepted them anyway and did not look away.

  “Hey, Jumper?”

  William’s thumb floated over mine, but he did not touch me. “Remember how you said I shouldn’t hold my breath waiting for you to call me?”

  I smiled faintly. “Yeah.”

  “Well, I just want you to know that I’d do a lot more than that for you. If you needed me to I’d die holding my breath for you.”

  Despite the overwhelming flattery I swallowed hard and shook my head. “You can’t do that, stupid. Your body would automatically start breathing again once you passed out.”

  He laughed. “I know that. What I mean is—I’d grow old, get all shriveled up and die. I’d stop racing, driving and even start taking the bus before I ever gave up on you, Jumper.”

  I showered quickly, eager to get the chemicals off my face and hair, and even more eager to get inside the t-shirt that was distinctly William’s. Like the pillow he first gave me, I breathed in the material, instantly intoxicated by the smell of his detergent and fabric softener. It made it that much easier to squeeze myself out of the ridiculous black dress and step into the steamy shower. Once there, I swallowed mouthfuls of hot water while I wiped the makeup from my cheeks. A strange calm filled me then, making me feel strangely centered though I knew I had no real reason to. Was I an idiot to reject William’s affection? Maybe. But William didn’t seem to mind. And the best part was that neither did I.

  When I got out of the shower the underground apartment was even quieter than when I closed myself in the bathroom. The irrational fear that William had gone and left me there, however, was quickly eradicated when I half-ran back out to the bedroom to see him sleeping soundly beneath a thin blanket.

  Slightly embarrassed by my display—and the fact that he clearly did not wear pajamas—I grabbed another blanket from the open closet and wrapped myself in it before laying Tabby’s dress across the top of the couch. I crept back through the bedroom then and on the bed next to him. Watching William sleep, I traced my finger over the eight ball tattooed on his left inner arm. Beneath it, I could feel small but deep indications beneath the ink with an upper and lower set. Either I had found William’s dog bite, or he had more than one.

  Careful not to bother him, I laid myself down next to him as softly as I could. As gentle as I was trying to be though, William’s brows creased together and his closed eyes fluttered just a little when I settled myself beside him. And though I smiled to myself, I tensed when William rolled to his side, his arm sliding over me as if I were a teddy bear.

  I snuggled against him after a few uncertain moments, hypnotized by the way our bodies fit so perfectly against each other and the effort he made to protect me in his sleep. And despite the fact that I was terribly tired, I forced my eyes to stay open so that I could listen to him breathe—that deep sound between snoring and sighing. Eventually, I reached for the trickle of drool he had warned me about and wiped it away. I smiled, tucked myself into him and fell asleep.

  I woke up when the light of early morning was just starting to make its way past the basement window. Instantly, I was aware of his arms still around me, the arm originally flung over me clenched to pull me closer. Whether intentional or not, his other arm had been moved under me to encircle me completely.

  I blinked and watched the shadows of feet as they walked above us, unaware that William and I were even there. We hadn’t even slept together and we were cuddling? Though my knowledge of relationships was limited, it had always been my understanding that cuddling was part of the aftermath that guys were hardly interested in—if they were interested at all. So why was William holding me so protectively, so possessively, when I had done nothing for him in return? Wasn’t this supposed to be the reward? The intimate non-sexual touch of skin on skin to make the act more memorable? Wasn’t his arm numb?

  I glanced over my shoulder as best I could, smiling when I saw nothing more than the mess of blond and what looked like a puddle of drool at the top edge of his pillow. Why did that make him seem so adorab
le? So honest? Maybe it was because he was. From the moment we met, William had been compassionate towards me. More importantly, however, he had been honest. And if I knew nothing else about friendships, I knew that they were bred on honest ground. William and I had been friends, good friends, and just a few hours earlier, we had almost become much more. Why hadn’t I taken that opportunity when I had the chance? Because I was afraid of the way my body reacted, afraid of how much I enjoyed kissing him and the way he kissed me back.

  Like the night before, I readjusted myself before cuddling back into him. Right away, he started rising against me, and once again I grew warm all over. Sensing this change in both of us, William woke with a start, his leg twitching under one of mine. Interested in how he would react to our position, I made my body as relaxed as possible and pretended to be asleep. His eyes looked down at me when he raised himself on his elbow—that much I could tell even through closed eyes. But when William became conscious that he was straining against me he swore. When he realized how loud he was, he swore again in a softer voice.

  I broke with a smile when he clumsily tried to slide his arm out from under me, swearing at himself once again in nothing but a whisper. It was all I could do to keep from laughing at this point, but it was too entertaining to feel him try to unravel our legs from each other without “waking” me.

  When he tried to sort our blankets from one another, whispering curses the entire time, I lost it completely, snorting into my blanket before breaking into full out laughter.

  When I did, William rushed to sitting, his mouth opening and closing without any sound. Looking back and forth from me to that tented blanket between his legs he grew bright red, too. I laughed a little louder, snorted into my hand and turned away as he tried to collect myself. It was as he tried crossing his legs, gathering more blankets around his waist, however, that I knew what I wanted to do.

  “I wasn’t trying to, ah, you know. Damn it, Jumper, I’m sorry.”